Thursday, April 27, 2006

PRAYER MAT (2005)


This was inspired first of all by bicycle inner tubes - after playing with them, stuffing them, etc etc I realised that they make excellent phalluses, so I set out trying to work out how to display a multitude. Quilting and patchwork is a passion of mine, so this seemed like an obvious choice.

The entire quilt is made from recycled objects. The denim is from old jeans, the pearls from a pile of necklaces bought in a charity shop, the backing from fabric banners once used in retail. Even the thread came from a car boot sale. It measures approzimately 52"x52" and can be laid out on the floor or hung.

What you can't experience in a photograph are the tactile qualities of the quilt. When I hung it up in the studio every woman who walked past it couldn't resist squeezing each appendage, and in some cases picking a favourite (despite a uniformity of length, each one is slightly different). Unsurprisingly, the men were not so quick to reach out and touch...

The whole idea actually makes me think of the joke about nuns doing press-ups in the cucumber patch. Genuflection, masturbation and sacrilege. You don't get that with Debbie Mumm.

Ann Summers 9" Penis Candle

Don't know whether to light it or fuck it? Me neither!!!

This big boy was given to me by a friend waaay back in 1999. I have a sneaking suspicion it came into her possession via the very strange Ann Summers party she threw around that time. The wide spectrum of guests included her mum and her mum's best friend (both of whom were very red in the face and/or laughing uncontrollably), and a pre-op transsexual. The agent was a near-suicidal goth who wasted no time in regaling us with the depressing details of her topping attempts once the party games were over. It was all very weird!

Oh, and it may come as no surprise to learn that I won all the games. Natural talent or the just only one putting any effort in? I can't even remember what I won. Probably penis pasta.

Smokin' Hot from Amsterdam
Yes, my friends, sex is everywhere in Amsterdam. Even writhing around on your Rizla packet.
EXTINGUISHER/LOVE PUMP (2004)

I once received the following text message:

ANN SUMMERS LTD: We thank U 4 your recent order. U asked for a large red vibrator as featured in our wall display. Please reselect as this is a fire extinguisher.

After getting over the initial disappointment of not being on the receiving end of a fun gift, my brain quickly got to work processing the information. This was the result. Thanks to Freshers' Week and the tomfoolery that comes with it, it wasn't hard to find the body of the extinguisher. And thanks to my Blue Peter/Art Attack training it wasn't difficult to knock up a pump for the top (cardboard construction grasping a genuine working vibrator). Ideal for those with pyromaniacal tendencies (kinky) or those with a firefighter fetish.

Big Yellow Knobbly

I found this in the field near my house. I'm not sure whether it's a dog toy or some kind of baton (or neither of the above). It has some kind of valve in the top so you can fill it with something. Rohypnol maybe?

Whatever it is, it looks exciting. Pleasure and pain doth this yellow beast contain. 50p says that someone somewhere on the 'Net is sporting one of these in an orifice.
DOLLY DILDO (2004-5)

Another exploration into the ladylike (or rather, not so ladylike). Playing with female stereotypes and iconography is fun! As is grafting a Barbie onto a cheap vibrator, coating the resulting hybrid with papier mâché and finishing off with a decent paint job and a couple of coats of resin for good measure.

Turn her on and she'll dance across the table for you...

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

BANANAHAMMOCK (2004-5)

I always wondered what a 'bunch of cock' would look like. Thanks to the magic of
papier mâché (moulded around real bananas for that 'natural' look) and porn magazines I now have a fair idea.

Sweet Treats from Blackpool

Back when I were a lass it were all 'Kiss Me Quick, Squeeze me Slow'. Nowadays it's nowt but sex on a stick, or on the beach if you get really lucky. Or drunk.


ANAL SKATE FUN (2005)

My initial thought when pimping my board was to do with naked skateboarding, particularly naked women skateboarding (an Olympic event I'd be more than happy to watch, hehe). It's perfect for all those times you find yourself naked and horny in a skate park.

A variety of recycled objects are in use here, including inner tubes, hessian and most importantly, a whole stack of great images liberated from porn magazines.

Phallus in Christmas Tree Past Life Shocker
This was lovingly handcrafted from an old Christmas tree by a mystery whittler in Exeter. If you know the culprit, let me know so I can give him the full credit he deserves. Who knew recycling could be so much fun?
French Letter from Amsterdam
In case one cock wasn't enough for you (or if you've gotten so wrecked in a coffee shop that you can't remember what to do), this condom's shaped appropriately. The Dutch think of everything.
Yonic Cushions (2004-5)

I was trying to work out how to combine sexual with something you could give to your mother. This was the result. Velvet, satin and pearls? Very ladylike.

BONER (2005)
I found this old bone in my garden. To my (possibly one-track) mind, it looks like a...
Action Man Tackle (2004)
Not wishing to leave the boys out, I made some meat 'n' two veg for the Action Men and Kens that, like the Barbies, work jolly hard for me. Fimo, pink and shiny, just how Barbie likes 'em.
Barbie Sexessories (2004)

My Barbies work very hard for me, therefore it's only right and proper that I ply them with treats from time to time. What more could a girl with a no-dicked boyfriend want than a nice selection of sex toys? Lovingly crafted from Fimo, these babies will be keeping my Barbies smiling enigmatically for the next 50-odd years. Or until something breaks.

Love balls and Thai beads:

There are even a couple of strap-ons (below: just add elastic) for those spontaneous sorority girl orgy moments:

Dangerous Dildos (2004)

These scary marys were an experiment in acrylic resin casting. Bigger than anything I'd ever done in acrylic before, I had some trouble with the acrylic cracking during the setting process. I think my acrylic-to-catalyst measurements were out (combined withe heating-up of the metal objects embedded in it. I'm going to attempt these again at some point, most likely with someone close by with mathematical knowledge and on a day when I feel like getting high as a kite.

Anyway, despite the disappointing outcome they are very striking. Note the lovely rusty barbed wire below, freshly sourced from my garden. Niiiice.

RIDE A COCK HORSE (2004-05)

Inspired by an innocent nursery rhyme, my secret Barbie obsession, Kylie's Agent Provocateur advertisement and that fabulous phallic sculpture that rocks backwards and forwards in A Clockwork Orange. Brought to you by my own fair hand, lashings of
Papier mâché and a puerile sense of humour.

Flogger/Stuffer (2005)


I like to play with recycled materials when creating - I like discovering the material's properties before coming up with alternative uses. Bicycle inner tubes are great, provided you're happy to work around or incorporate the curvature of the rubber tubing.

This flogger/stuffer combination was the result of me dissecting the skinny inner tube of a racer bike and discovering a 'foreskin'. It reminded me of the leather strap-on as seen in the BBC adaptation of Tipping The Velvet.

Add some long strips of tubing and voilà! A double whammy of a plaything!
SEX MUSEUM (2005)



I made this sign from recycled bits (cardboard, newspaper, old wire) for my ever-growing collection of all things erotic. There's all sorts to see, from home-made to shop bought treats, found objects and random gifts. Oh, and a fine collection of postcards from Amsterdam which have to be seen to be believed. Blue Peter badge winners get in free. As does everyone else.

Thursday, February 09, 2006


Carpet Burn

Saturday, February 04, 2006

Glory Hole

Saturday, January 28, 2006



THE GREAT TELEPHONE BOX TALE



One summer, I was walking into Torquay town centre when I passed a telephone box (one of two situated next to each other). The telephone was ringing, and being one of those people who is always curious as to who’s on the other end, I stopped to answer it. On the other end was a man, somewhat tentative and quiet-spoken with a strong Westcountry accent. "Hello, who’s this?" he asked, followed by, "What do you look like?" At that point, the BT operator cut into the call, explained that this guy was a renowned dirty caller, and could I keep him on the line while they tried to trace him? Thinking this was actually very funny indeed (and that only weird things like this could happen to me) I agreed, but how could I do it?

I decided that the only way I could do this was to play him at his own game. He came back on the line and started his perving spiel, and (probably to his surprise) I perved right back. This guy was lucky – I mean, I could have charged £1 a minute for this stuff! Every now and again, the operator would cut in and ask me what he’d said, and what I’d said to him. Practical joke or not, someone was getting kicks out of this! Eventually, the pervert finished the job in hand (so to speak) and rang off, leaving me to explain to BT what had happened before continuing on my way. After this, I thought little more of it, other than to regale the tale to my family and friends, all of whom thought it hilarious and reckoned that the police were now looking for the pervert who out-perved the original pervert!




Anyway, two years later, almost exactly to the day, I was walking past the same telephone box and, as I had done every time I’d passed it since, starting thinking about the perving incident. Only this time I thought, "Wouldn’t it be funny if the ’telephone rang again and it was him?" Just as I thought that, the telephone in the box started ringing, and of course, I had to answer it. It was him. I looked around to see if there was anywhere he could be watching me from, but I couldn’t see anything. Besides, the previous time, the operator had told me he was in Newton Abbot, a town that was nine miles away. "Hello," he said, "Who’s this?" I couldn’t believe this was happening again – I mean, what are the chances of it happening once, let alone twice?
Just as before, the BT operator cut in again, and explained the situation. "Don’t worry," I said, "I’ve done this before." And so the perving began, only this time it went even further (if that was possible). This time he wanted to meet me in the park, but first he wanted me to go to another telephone box in the town centre. After telling BT what was going on, I went to the place he’d told me to go to (probably the busiest in the whole of Torquay), and waited for him to make contact. This time when he called, he asked me to go to the public toilets across the road, take my knickers off and leave them for him. This, in my opinion, was going a little too far, but BT and the police were all for it. "We’ll reimburse you for them," they said, but really, that wasn’t the point, was it? Reluctantly, I went to the toilets, took them off, left them in a bag there and went back to the telephone box. When he telephoned back, he said, "I wanted you to leave them in the telephone box – I can’t go in the ladies’ toilets." There’s no pleasing some people! So I went back to the toilets and retrieved them, but couldn’t find anywhere to hide them in the box. He didn’t call again after that, and because there was a huge queue forming outside the telephone box, I gave up and left.
As far as I know, the police still haven’t caught the pervy caller.


This memory box is a tribute to the man who gave me the funniest (and weirdest) experience ever…If you read around the telephone box, you’ll see the things he was saying to me. As for my responses – I’ll leave that to your imagination!

2006 Update: Last year I noticed that of the two telephone boxes there, *that* one had been removed. Since then, the other telephone box has also been removed. Case closed…?